My Tourniquet

The life mocks me.
I try to reach its shades.
The colorful shades.
But then, they fade.
Shade. Fade. Fate. Hate.

I'd like to cut myself.
With a very sharp blade.
But, with that said,
I can't do that.
I could never do that.

I can't make sense.
Of who I am.
Of who I'll be.
And I don't really want.
I want not to think.
Because, this way,
I'd be long gone.
This chills me into the bone.

I lost myself.
Who am I?
I don't know.
Because I'm nothing.
So, I have room to be it all.
Being it all, I'm no one.
Because I wouldn't be myself.
So, nothing equals nothing?
When nothing is everything?
I know that nothing.
Can make me stay here.
Not even when I sing.
Not even when I sing.

I can't stand.
My hand is holding someone else.
My chest is elsewhere.
My brain is unresponsive.
My heart is broken.
In a pool of dark-red blood.
As my thoughts flood.
And spread into the world.
I know you told (me).
That I should be grateful because of who I am.
That I'm perfect into my own problems.
But let's face the truth.
I was never good enough.
And I'll never be.

All the time.
I think about.
My life.
It doesn't have really a meaning.
That gives me the freedom.
For everything I want.
(but I want nothing)
(nothing at all)

Sorry.
This is not about you.
Not about me.
It is about my mediocre life.
Because I never had the guts.
To say, in front of you.
That I really loved you.
I only wrote stupid letters.
(stupid letters)
That showed how I was a coward.
I'm sorry for that.

I don't care on what they say.
They tell me to live life, but, hey.
I wouldn't like to stay (here).
When I'm feeling like a gay.
Or an idiot.
Or a suicider.
An inconvenient weight.
(for everyone)
But it is already too late.
I lost the fight.
I lost my bright.
That faded into the night.
And engulfed the light.
It's outta sight.
I know this isn't right.
But a human I never way.
(because I never tried)
(because I denied [my mistakes])
(because I denied [my weaknesses])
(because I denied [the truth])
This way, I denied my life.

What am I? A common being puppet?
Should I work for everyone?
Because, when they're sad, I'll smile.
When they're hurt, I'll be there for them.
I can't cope with it.
(the other's pain)
And when I'm sad, I show that I'm happy.
And they believe me.
Because I learned to hide myself.
(Myself? Who is myself? Who am I? I'm just a colorful shade that fade.)
And I do care about what people think.
I only cry when the pressure is overwhelming.
When the words are rolling.
When I'm already crying.
(because I can't hold it)

Can someone help me?
I lost my track.
I can't get back.
I took a pack.
A hell of a pack of pain.
I don't need the pain.
I don't need the strain.
Because I learned.
I should never gain.
(after all, I'm not a human)
(I'm just a robot)
And when I'm sad.
I try to cover my feelings down.

Because I was never who I'd like to be.
And this me... doesn't deserve to live.